Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
