Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i will never coherently bang her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
