They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
