I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
