I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
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am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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