I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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