a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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