im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
