Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
