I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
