Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
