he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
