My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
