Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
