Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
