Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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