He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
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Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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