how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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