Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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