last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
