it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
