I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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