The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
