i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
