Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
