I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
