I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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