You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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