He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize