I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
