Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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