She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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