what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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