Will you blow on my dice?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
