I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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