does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
