I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
