just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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