does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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