Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
