why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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