drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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