I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
