i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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