Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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