According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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