I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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