I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
