Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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