go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
