so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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