Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
whose parrot is this?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize